my form of depression

the way i get depressed has always fascinated me. generally, something causes a pretty major breakdown. i cry " cry " can't stop. i don't really know why...i mean, i know what started it, and i know it's frustrating, but i also know it's not all that serious and doesn't deserve the reaction i'm giving it. like dad once said, "don't take life so seriously." yet, i can't help it. i feel crappy, i cry, i completely close up to those around me.

yet, after i've had my bout of tears, i often struggle with snapping out of it. i know it's a decision i have to make, and it's totally possible to turn my attitude around...but i struggle with it. part of me feels like i should continue in mourning 'cause i made such a big deal out of it in the first place. "such a huge outburst can certainly not be that easy to get over...i must continue in my slump," i think. so i do. what snaps me out of it? i have no idea - hopefully i'll be able to tell you tomorrow, when i'm happy again.

here's the history of this blog: i'm in accounting. i'm struggling in a huge way with something that used to come pretty easily. i'm frustrated. yesterday i cried from 3:00 on, trying to study for the exam i have tuesday night. i'm still slumpin' tonight, even though i'm starting to get it " feel much more confident. i know i could just decide to get over it " be happy, but something's holding me back. i'm stuck on giving this huge outburst the recovery time i think it needs...even if i'm already over it, i can't admit that to myself, or anyone who's been part of it (poor steve). i'm complex. maybe i'm just too dang self-aware.

stolen from Laura ORANGE…hope she doesn’t mind

Have you ever thought about our human obsession with meeting goals, finishing the job, reaching project completion? Or perhaps it’s just an obsession in my life? How weird that in the Western world, we desire this state of being so intensely, yet only a small percentage of human time is actually spent at a finish line. Hence our (my) obsession, I guess. We always want what we do not have. So here in New Haven, amidst the multitudes of mountainous projects that need completing – a home and studio to renovate (and clean and organize), an organization to establish, Catalyst Studios projects to work on, and paid work to find and complete – I am straining to learn an important lesson. Life is about THE PROCESS, not any finish line I will ever come to. Not any state of perfect completion I will ever find. If I don’t learn to appreciate the process, I will surely miss out on most of my life. So here’s to a new kind of fulfillment. Here’s to loving the process of life…

accounting is the bane of my life

if anyone has any cool websites that make it easy, i'd love to know about it. or any tricks to LIFO, FIFO, blah, blah, blah.

i used to get this stuff. i think that's the most frustrating part...i should understand it, but i don't. grrrrrrrr.

i am a crazy person…

...and this is how i know:

after a night of excessive drinking " lots o' fun, i woke up after sleeping 6 hours " decided to go for a run. not just a fun run, but a run with purpose - i had to go get my car from the bar parking lot. mapquest said it was 4.67 miles away, so i figured i could do it.

a good run right away does fight a hangover quite well, though. i'm finally starting to feel it and it's 1:00.

happy saturday!

devastation

it is freaking 41 degrees in Ely, MN right now...and 46 degrees in Santa Clara, CA. why did i move to CA?!!??!!?

everybody’s following me to CA

now even daunte may be coming. too bad i don't really like him anymore.

it'd be cool if some of my favorite people moved out here, but i'll accept this.

music

i have come to the realization that most of my favorite songs are those that completely go against who i am or what i stand for. perhaps i should recategorize them away from "favorite" and more into the "most fun" category. i'll think about it.

examples:
damn, it feels good to be a gangsta; geto boys
she hates me; puddle of mudd
don't cha; pussycat dolls
break stuff; limp bizkit
flavor of the weak; american hi-fi

craziness in the animal world!

a furry lobster!

thoughts on kirby

kirby puckett was prolly the greatest Twin of all time. it really sucks that he died at such a young age.

but really, i'm struggling with this blog entry because i haven't figured out how i really feel about him, yet. ever since the abuse reports, i haven't liked the guy. now, all of a sudden, i'm reading that he was actually a really, really good guy who messed up a couple times. all the articles go on " on about how he lit up the field, brought the best out of everyone around him, etc, etc, etc. unfortunately, i wasn't a huge baseball fan at that time, so i don't remember much about him...yeah, i knew kirby " loved the Twins...i have their Homer Hankies from both World Series...but i wasn't into it like i am now. i bet if i would have been, i would have loved the guy. sounds like he was downright awesome.

anyway, i may have fallen victim to the stupid media blowing something out of proportion. though is hitting a woman, or anyone, ever ok? even if you're a really, really, really good guy? i don't think so. but i do regret ever trying to hate the guy. yeah, he messed up...but we all do. he deserves more than hate.

RIP, Kirby.

how my brain works sometimes

See if you can follow this:
I went down to the mailroom. As I was coming back up to the second floor, I used the stairs. In my head, I started making fun of the fact that we have a sign on the door that says, “Stairs.” Seems obvious to me, and that we shouldn’t need a sign. Then I tried to think of other signs that aren’t necessary, but that we have. I thought of the “HR” sign outside our area, but realized we needed that so people can find us. Then I thought about the bathroom signs. Maybe we don’t need those…but then realized it’s essential. We’d be all up in each other’s bathrooms if they weren’t labeled. I then laughed at myself…how silly " random am I. Analyzing the necessity of signs in our building.

gigantic pink umbrella

a couple weeks ago the wind tore apart my cute, purple umbrella. since it's rainy season, i had to go purchase a new one. luckily, Target is carrying a beautiful pastel pink " white, gigantic umbrella. i'm quite pleased with my purchase, and can't wait to actually use it.

unfortunately, the rain gods don't like me, and haven't given me the opportunity. several times it has rained while i'm driving somewhere - i sense that my hopes " dreams are about to come true - and then by the time i arrive at my destination it is no longer raining. oy.

i still love my gigantic pink umbrella.

ooh, i must brag

after an exhausting day of coaching, i arrived at steve's house and was treated to a glass of wine upon entry...followed by a yummy steak dinner.
life is good for me.

red vines

i think Red Vines are the yummiest snack ever, and i am eating a whole package of them before lunch. it's monday, so i deserve it.

we won!

my team finally came through. Someone knew I needed that...it was awfully hard to motivate myself to get out of bed yesterday to go coach a struggling team at volleyball, but they made it worth it. they played better than ever, and they played like they wanted to win. in the past, they just kinda played 'cause they're supposed to. i'm very proud of them. we came in 2nd out of 12 teams (of course those 12 teams are not all that great, but still)

unfortunately, i had to wake up to an email from my favorite parent about how i could coach better. 'if only i'd subbed those girls out sooner, i'm sure we would have won.' grrrrrrrrrr. i'm feelin' so dang good about my team, and then a parent's got to bring me down. now i can't decide if i should reply " say "shut up" or just let it be.

awesome blurb on M&M’s

i find this entertaining.

Flat Stanley

i'm getting my own Flat Stanley!!! i've seen him around, and have always been envious...but now my nephew is sending me a Flat Stanley. oh, the tours we will take...'twill be so much fun.

i'll report back with our travels.

devastation

apparently last thursday night, while i was on my way to tahoe, there was a fire down the block and several fire trucks " men ambushed my 'hood.

my roommate laid on my bed " watched in awe. a truck pulled into our driveway, men stood in front of my house for a couple hours (in uniform), and i completely missed out. sadness.

accounting is hard

though it shouldn't be. i used to be a math whiz. what the heck happened to that part of my brain?!? who knew it could go stagnant???

i got a low B on exam #1. i can totally make the situation better on the next three exams, but it woulda been nice to start off strong. especially after not studying much...then i coulda taken that example and slacked all semester on the studying. now i must put forth much effort.