Monday, March 13, 2006

my form of depression

the way i get depressed has always fascinated me. generally, something causes a pretty major breakdown. i cry " cry " can't stop. i don't really know why...i mean, i know what started it, and i know it's frustrating, but i also know it's not all that serious and doesn't deserve the reaction i'm giving it. like dad once said, "don't take life so seriously." yet, i can't help it. i feel crappy, i cry, i completely close up to those around me.

yet, after i've had my bout of tears, i often struggle with snapping out of it. i know it's a decision i have to make, and it's totally possible to turn my attitude around...but i struggle with it. part of me feels like i should continue in mourning 'cause i made such a big deal out of it in the first place. "such a huge outburst can certainly not be that easy to get over...i must continue in my slump," i think. so i do. what snaps me out of it? i have no idea - hopefully i'll be able to tell you tomorrow, when i'm happy again.

here's the history of this blog: i'm in accounting. i'm struggling in a huge way with something that used to come pretty easily. i'm frustrated. yesterday i cried from 3:00 on, trying to study for the exam i have tuesday night. i'm still slumpin' tonight, even though i'm starting to get it " feel much more confident. i know i could just decide to get over it " be happy, but something's holding me back. i'm stuck on giving this huge outburst the recovery time i think it needs...even if i'm already over it, i can't admit that to myself, or anyone who's been part of it (poor steve). i'm complex. maybe i'm just too dang self-aware.

No comments: